Today was my last first day of school, at least for a very long time. I having been feeling a strange murky feeling about it. One I cannot entirely comprehend, too opaque to see the bottom. I am not sure why I'm not entirely happy but I can't say I'm surprised. I am living with an alien I can't identify but one am actually very familiar with, and comfortable these days. I could have tried to make it leave but I've just ignored it, as it gets to me more and more.
I think I don't like that I am back in patterns, living on the couch after school. I don't like that I am doing the same thing I have been doing for three and a half years prior. It feels like I somehow do more but I lack any sort of drive. I feel like I am running out of time very quickly, but that timer isn't graduation. I can feel that frontal lobe development everyone was talking about a few years back and I can feel myself wanting to move on from things that don't matter so much anymore. I am curious and wiser and I need to get out of a place I have been in for quite sometime.
I'm actually totally lying. Not about the moving on but about being bad. I just am scared that I am not improving despite the fact that I am. I don't stay up late without reason, I've been doing yoga before school, I run a club, and I am about to learn how to drive. I got a call from the driving school today. I might have to get up at 7 or 8 to meet them at the library (hopefully they can come to my house) and I am not too scared about how early it is. I am scared of the road, obviously, but I want to actually get this done.
I think something that will make me feel better is going out. I think I will text my friend after I let these nerves out and she and I will finally hang out. We never do, which is stupid. I want to amend that. I also want to go out and do stupid college kid things. Those always make me feel better until something makes me feel stagnant again. Which is how I felt when I came home today. I had a stomach ache so I had to accept slowness but I couldn't. Since the bus is so crowded at 2:30 on a Monday, I suppose I should find things to do with my time when I have better Mondays.
I should talk about things I did like about today, like the krill-typical outfit I wore. Its this smock dress that is maybe just a bit too tight on my hips and rides up a bit, but I adore it. The skirt actually only rides up when I wear my butt-covering coat with it so the skirt is only a problem if I forget to adjust before taking it off, which did happen to me today. Luckily only in my empty office but it would've been actually the end of my life if I flashed my boss. I wore it over this white blouse I got for Christmas and I thought it look cute, but due to the buttons and lack of collar meant that necklaces sat weird. Unless I were to (๐คฎ) button it all the way up, thus I went without, basically naked for me. I also added my huge blue cardigan and my legwarmers over my good boots.
Everything is mainly blue also, I am in a stage of my life where half my outfits are monochrome blue and no one has said anything yet. My theory is that somewhere in 2010 or 11 the fashion police culture of the 2000s (think what not to wear and all that, maybe even that beginning golden era of ANTM) have been disbanded, resulting in the trends of 2013 immediately after. This is why no one has Got Me for this fashion behavior. Actually though, now that I am on Fruits magazine and Bjork photoshoots Pinterest only (and stamps as you know), maybe I have embraced the fun of experimental style rather than the cookie cutter individualism you get on short form content sites. I don't care how the invisible audience sees my outfits (unlike how they view other aspects of me), all I care about is my own satisfaction and the fun of creating.
Before I rant about fashion forever, something magical happened to two girls walking to my bus stop. They were about half a block ahead of me, walking in the street because my neighbors (and me) haven't been keeping up on all the shoveling. Weaving between them was my favorite neighbor, Ninja.
When I was schedule building, I gifted myself only one Monday class. Its a ten min walk from the library, where I work. I walked into the sun so there was not a recognizable feature until I found myself shaded by the physics building and I could actually open my eyes. I wondered if I passed anyone I knew, obliviously and I thought about a meme.
This is basically how it feels whenever I try to navigate a crowd mainly walking the opposite to me as I am blinded by the sun reflecting off snow and anything else. I need my sunglasses more in the winter, navigating from dark to light so often.
My class was "Geohazards" and it was packed. I sat between a indie couple and a guy with a slight pompadour. I will not make this mistake next time, maybe I will sit in the front, the only open row in the auditorium, and turn my phone off for once. I have such a bad habit with that, especially in a class that I would not say is entirely relevant to me, an Art History major.
Alright I think I got this all out of my system. I'm feeling a bit better and I am committed to a better tomorrow. I will text my friend! I will do something fun! I will end college as satisfied as I can because I am doing good! Every time I feel that pang of murky insecurity and whatnot, I remember that it was worse when I was a freshman and I have worked so hard to get to the point where I don't listen to Car Seat Headrest anymore (thank god).
So I end this long long post here, I should go to bed or at least take this drying sheet mask off, it feels kind of awful.
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